Things to Consider When Adding a Female To Your Band

So you’ve got a rockin’ little combo, with drums, bass, and guitar, but you’re thinking you need a little ZING — a little something to make you stand out from the crowd.

Have you ever considered adding a FEMALE to your band?

I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but it’s so crazy that sometimes it can work. The right female can give your band more visual appeal, an overall sexy feel, and attract new fans of both genders. The right female can give band photos more power, attract more press coverage, and generally serve as a conversation starter.

Females can be trained to perform almost any duty in a band, though most of the time you’ll find they fit best as singers and dancers. Some females also play bass, and some play keyboards. Many are even willing to pitch in and move gear. While there are a few females who play drums or guitar, the vast majority of them are lesbians and should generally be avoided.

With all these advantages, you may wonder why every band does not include at least one female member. Well, the truth is that introducing a female into a rock band is not without its risks, risks which must be weighed carefully against the obvious benefits.

First, and most obvious, the tremendous sexual power females wield can wreck utter havoc on your band. This point alone has led many band leaders to eschew the use of females for any reason whatsoever. Some band leaders even go so far as to discourage band members from forming lasting relationships with women, due to the well-documented tendencies of females to disrupt otherwise harmonious band relationships. Still, the fact remains that females are important parts of most bands’ fan bases, and they are also useful for lots of things both inside and outside of bands, from cooking and cleaning to child rearing and money-earning. They do have their place. We can at least try to keep a lid on their most disrupting characteristics.

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Second, a female may be problematic on tour. Will she be comfortable crammed into a van with several smelly guys, or will she complain ceaselessly? Will she insist on staying in a hotel, or will she sleep in the van with the band? Will she demand access to a shower? Worse, will she demand that YOU shower?

In fact, females can sometimes take to tour quite well. It might be helpful to first determine how your potential female bandmate can tolerate all the normal sights, smells, and experiences of a band on tour. Hazing can be useful here. If you decide to give a female member a trial run, make sure to let her know how things are going to be. For example, try commenting on the various body parts of any random woman who passes by, and describe what kind of actions you would or would not enjoy performing with, on, in, or near her. In regular jobs, this may be construed as “hostile environment”, but in rock n’ roll, it just shows she can hang. If a woman can hold her own like one of the guys, and get your jokes, or at least not get all bitchy about it, there is a pretty good chance she could work out in the long run.

Bitchiness is a known issue with many women. Sometimes this is a result of them getting their periods, other times it just seems to spring up spontaneously. The worst are the ones who have lots of “opinions” and won’t shut up about them. Watch out for these women, because next thing you know, they’ll start having “opinions” about how to run the band.

Other times, women just get stubborn and won’t do what you tell them. They think they know better than you and start going off and doing things their own way. Before long, you lose control of the female, and maybe even the whole band.

For this reason, when considering a woman for the band, I suggest ranking at her traits in this order:

1. Looks/Age
2. Personality/Stagecraft
3. Obedience/Malleability
4. Sexual Status
5. Musicianship

Let’s look at each of these traits individually.

1. Looks/Age

Age-wise, obviously younger is better, but not so young that you are putting anyone at risk of arrest, if you know what I mean … If you must use an older woman, just make sure she hasn’t “let herself go.” But with so many attractive younger women out there, it’s hard to fathom that any band would want an older woman. Generally, you want a woman to be attractive and to appear sexually available. This helps to catch and hold the attention of the audience.

2. Personality/Stagecraft

Watch out for the girl who is too bookish, shy or anti-sexual. You don’t want some deer-in-the-headlights over-sensitive poet, or butch lesbian that is going to scare the crap out of everyone. You’ll want to make sure she knows how to dress, act, and move. Watch out for women who are apt to say something stupid in the microphone or in an interview. Some of these ladies have mouths on them and can potentially embarrass the entire band.

3. Obedience/Malleability

Let’s face it, most women are amateurs in the pro-music arena. If you decide to add a female to the mix, you will run into amateurs who, despite lacking professional experience, believe they can sing, play, or perform at a professional level. Do not dismiss the amateur female if she is also attractive, young and malleable. With training, she may still become a great asset to your band.

4. Sexual Status/Availability

So your potential female member is young, sexy, and malleable. Great! Is she sexually available? And how does her status as “taken” or “available” affect the rest of the band? For example, a single woman may be seen as a threat by the wives and girlfriends of other band members, and that could make everyone’s lives hell. Or, if the band members are single as well, what happens when two band members compete for her affections? What happens when one of them wins her affections and the other does not, or if she moves from one member to the next? These are all typical and potentially risky scenarios for any band, and you will have to do some deep soul-searching to determine if the continual presence of an attractive female is going to help or hurt your band in the long run.

5. Musicianship

It is a well known fact that women are generally inferior musicians to men, but there are some women who are actually skilled musicians. Musicianship is a consideration, but it is not as important as you may think, due to the powerful effect of the female sexuality on audience perceptions. In other words, if she’s hot, no one will care much if she can’t sing or play. The main thing is that she should not sound unbearable. If necessary, you can have someone else play her parts on albums. Autotune can work wonders on recorded vocals. During live shows, you can ask the sound man to bury her parts in the mix, or if you have more than one vocalist, simply limit her time on the mic.

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This article originally appeared on Collapse Board and is used by permission by its author, Erika Meyer.